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Hair Comes the Judge/Transcript
Brent Leroy: Hey, do you think my hair's too long? Davis Quinton: Too long for what? Brent: No, I mean just in general. It feels all wuffy and scraggeldy. Know what I mean? Wanda Dollard: Do either of those words meaning thinning? Brent: Not on top. At the sides and around the back. I can feel it touching my ears and neck. Uhaaa-aw-aah, it just touched my neck. Karen Pelly: I could cut it for you. Brent: You could? Karen: Sure. I cut Davis's hair all the time. Davis: When do you ever cut my hair? Karen: You take a lotta naps. Brent: Well, I guess it would be okay. I mean, Mom usually cuts my hair. Wanda: Does she cut your meat for you too? Brent: No. Sometimes. Lacey Burrows: How's your lunch? Hank Yarbo: It's good. Lacey: Any reason why ya shouldn't pay for your lunch? Hank: Why wouldn't I pay for it? Lacey: Oh, I don't know, maybe because I paid you $100 to stain the deck out there, so I expected you to do it, but you didn't. Hank: I'll do it. Lacey: I never should have given you money up front. Hank: Well if you hadn't, I couldn't have paid for this sandwich, now could I? Then you'd be complainin' about that. Lacey: When are you going to stain my deck? Hank: My back's been actin' up. I'll, I'll do it soon. Lacey: Hank-soon or the rest-of-the-world soon? I can't wait ten years. Hank: Like I'm gonna make you wait ten years. Lacey: Five years? Hank: Well, maybe less. Emma Leroy: It sounds like a tank. Is there something wrong with the engine? Oscar Leroy: The engine's fine. Emma: Did you take out our old engine and replace it with the engine from a tank? Because you what it sounds like? Oscar: I heard you the first time. Emma: A tank. Oscar: There it is, a hole in the muffler. Musta happened when we hit that porcupine on the highway. Emma: Porcupine. That was two years ago. Oscar: Well, it still seems fresh to me. You don't get over something like that. Emma: What's going on? Brent: I'm getting a little trim from Karen. I mean Karen's cutting my hair. Emma: But... Brent: My hair was kind of But scuffy and beshaggled. Karen: There isn't really much to work with, but I think it's lookin' pretty good. You think? Emma: It looks like a haircut, I, I suppose. Let's go, Oscar. Oscar: You were all fired up to get raisins the whole ride home. "Don't forget to get raisins," every two minutes. So get back in here and... Emma: Now! Oscar: We'll get raisins later. Lacey: Wanda. Weigh in on something. Hank and I are having a disagreement. Wanda: He's wrong, you're right. Is my sandwich ready? Lacey: I'm serious. I want your honest, impartial opinion. Wanda: All right. I'll be completely impartial. I'll listen to you and Dinglenuts. Hank: Dinglenuts? Lacey: Okay, I paid Dingle Hank, $100 to stain the deck. Wanda: Really? Cause it looks lousy. Nice work, Dinglehank. Lacey: This is my point. I paid him to do a job and he didn't do it. So, should I get my money back? Wanda: When was he supposed to be done the job? Lacey: Well, by now, for sure. Wanda: But what was the actual date and the terms of the agreement? Lacey: There were no terms. Hank: Heh, heh, now, who's the dingle, huh? Wanda: You mean to say that you didn't stipulate finite terms, establish clear, unambiguous points of chronology, duties, and ultimately remuneration? Hank: Nope, none of those words. Lacey: I just want him to rub stain on my deck, with a rag. Wanda: Well, I hate to say it, Lacey. But in this particular case, you're the dingle. Hank: Heh, heh, heh. Hey, hey, ooo, whoa. Davis: You gotta fix that muffler. Oscar: What? Davis: It's too loud. You can't drive around in that thing. Oscar: Can't hear ya. Davis: Your Dad's gotta get that muffler fixed. Brent: What? I can't hear ya over Dad's muffler. You should say something to him about that. Lacey: Hear me out. Wanda: Good idea. Frighten the chick with the hammer. Hank: She already heard ya out and told ya you were crazy. Look, I'll stain the deck as soon as I can, and when the good deck stainin' weather gets here. Lacey: I want an appeal. Wanda: You are aware that this isn't an actual court of law? Lacey: Well, you're the closest thing we have. You're as smart as that judge lady on TV. Wanda: Well, I don't know about that. Hank: Don't try and butter her up. She already told you, you don't have the infinity things with the triggers on it or nothin'. Wanda: Well, I suppose I'm no less smart than her. Hank: Or the chrononomy clause with the renumering. Do you understand English? Lacey: I don't know. Try speaking some. Wanda: Silence! I mean, order. Lacey, you have your appeal. Lacey: Thank you, Your Honour. Wanda: I'm not a judge. But in Canada it's "My Lord." Brent: It was rubbin' on my neck at the back and gettin' too long on the sides. It was all bescuffied and rumplish. But this looks good, don't ya think? It looks, ah, slick. Maybe not slick, but sleek. I feel sleeker. Do I look faster? Well, I'll let you guys eat. Woman: Who was that? Oscar: Who is it? Emma: Police. Oscar: Tell 'em I'm not home. Davis: If you aren't here, then how did you say, "Who is it?" Emma: Nice. Next time put a bullhorn in my face. Karen: Does he really think he can yell, "Who is it?" and take off? Emma: How do I know what's rattling around in his head, Officer? Davis: He can't drive around makin' that much noise. Karen: You really do have to get your muffler fixed. Emma: The car's in Oscar's name. I don't have to do anything. Lacey: Ok, I see your point about the terms and, and, and the agreement. But consider this. Wanda: Do you have a receipt? Lacey: A what? Wanda: R-E-ceipt. Did you obtain a written receipt for the money you alleged to have paid Hank? Lacey: You think I'm lying? Look, I'll turn him upside down right now and shake the cash out of him. Hank: Do, do you see what I'm dealing with? The, the, the, this is threats, it's, it's, it's harassment. Wanda: Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup! You will get your turn, sir. Hank: Unconstitutional. Wanda: Bup-bup-bup-bup, bup, bup, bup, bup. Lacey: How often do you watch that judge lady? Wanda: Zip it. Now, I can tell from your response that you have no receipt. Lacey: Wait a second. Did you just tell me to zip it? Wanda: The Court finds insufficient evidence to overturn the previous ruling. Dismissed. Hank: Whooo! Ha, ha, ha, ha! Freedom, baby! This is the first day of the rest of my life! Wanda: That's a cute top. Toby Dillems (Teen #1): Your engine's loud, man. Oscar: What? Buzz off. Toby: Your car, it, it's loud. It's cool. Oscar: Oh. Yeah. Toby: Yeah, it's cool. Karen: Do you get the feeling Emma's mad at me? Davis: Then you should apologize to her. Karen: For what? I don't even know what I did. Davis: Well, it musta been pretty bad. Karen: Why are you taking her side? I'm your partner. Don't you think you should back me up instead of some civilian? Davis: Fine. If you don't want to apologize to Emma for screwin' her around, no skin off my nose. Karen: Thank you. Wait. Why do you assume I screwed her around? Davis: Well, she's not mad at me. Brent: Hey, Lacey, you know how slow I used to look? Lacey: I know Wanda never went to law school and she's not a real judge, so she can just come down off her high horse. Brent: Right. This haircut makes me look faster, doesn't it? Lacey: Is Hank just trying to make me angry or is he actually gonna rip me off? Brent: Just say yes. Lacey: What? Brent: Well, I said "right" without knowin' what you were talkin' about. Lacey: Okay, fine. You look faster. You, you, you look like a rocket covered in greased lightening goin' downhill, okay? Brent: With the wind at my back? Lacey: Can we talk about my thing now? Brent: Okay. But you're wrong about Wanda. She actually did take some kinda legal course in college. Lacey: But she's not a judge, right, like an actual real judge? Brent: No. Lacey: Then I rest my case. Brent: Okay, you've won this round. But in my defence, I don't know what we're talking about. Oscar: I could easily drop a big block in here. Toby: Oh, yeah. 440 four barrel. Oh-ho, it'd be cherry. You ridin' a Thrush muffler under there? Oscar: A regular muffler with a hole in it. Teen #2: Cherry. Oscar: Why are you hasslin' us, man? We're not doin' anything, ya lousy copper. Toby: Copper? Oscar: Well, what do ya call 'em nowadays? That's just flat rude. Show some respect, you punks. Lacey: I can see why you can't fit staining my deck into your busy schedule. Hank: Your sarcasm's not workin'. Lacey: Well, neither are you. Hank: The guy on TV said it's good for your back to put heat on your back. So I revved my truck for 20 minutes straight, hopped up here, and laid down on it. Lacey: Genius. Hank: Yeah. Lacey: What about the cold? Hank: I don't have a cold. I told you, it's my back. Lacey: No Hank, when you have a sore back you're supposed to alternate hot, then cold, then hot, then cold. Hank: Huh. Do me a favour. Go to your freezer... Lacey: I don't think so. Oscar: Is this the most recent Hot Rodder? Brent: Yep. Oscar: Bull. It says July on it. Brent: Oh. Well, what are we in, April? Oscar: August, ya jackass. Brent: August? Really? Oscar: I need current automotive information, man. Brent: Man? Geez, sorry I can't help ya, Cheech. Oscar: Drop your cake mix, Betty Crocker, and get me some new car magazines. Wanda: Just settle down, sir. What seems to be the problem? Oscar: What do you mean, "sir"? Wanda: I don't have all day. We can't all afford to stand around in the middle of the afternoon reading the funny papers. Oscar: I just came in. I just wanted a proper, current thing to read. Wanda: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And have you tried making sense? Oscar: Me? He thinks it's April. Wanda: Bring me the magazine. Oscar: We're in August already and... Wanda: Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup. I want to see the magazine, sir. Brent? Ah. Well, this is a July magazine, sir. Brent: That's what I told him. Oscar: I told you. Wanda: I don't want to listen to who told who what when and who did say what to which one. Oscar: What? Wanda: You heard me, sir. Look out the window. Do you see the Empire State Building? No? Just dirt and tractors? It must mean we live in a small farming town. New magazines come to small farming towns a week late. Come in next Wednesday, we'll have your August magazine for you, sir. Oscar: Are you hopped up on somethin'? Wanda: I'm in recess. Karen: Do you think I should go over and talk to Emma, see what the problem is? Davis: That would be the classy move, after what you did to her. Karen: I didn't do anything. Stop saying that. Davis: Oh, I got you now. Jake: Well, it looks like Old Oscar Leroy's bitten off a little more than he can chew. Karen: Didn't I tell you, Jake? No playing guitar on the street. Jake: Well, it looks like Old Jake's got himself into a bit of a pickle with Officer Karen. Karen: Go! Brent: Parachute didn't open? Hank: I'm coolin' my back. Brent: Ah, of course. I feel like an idiot now. Hank: I swiped a bag of frozen peas from your freezer. Yeah. It's good for my back, you know? Heat, then cold, then heat, then cold, and then heat, then cold. Brent: Then what? Hank: Then heat. Brent: Oh, I get it. Well, good luck with that. Hank: Thanks. Yeah, it's pretty bad. Twisted disc or somethin'. Brent: Well, good luck with that. Hank: Yeah. I feel bad, though, because I told Lacey I'd stain her deck, 'cause you know I like to help a lady out. But, yeah, my back's killin' me. Hey! Oh, here's a thing. I'll hire you to do it. Brent: Good luck with that. Hank: No, no, I'm serious. From my own pocket, cold hard cash. Brent: Cold, then hot, then cold hard cash? Hank: Yeah. Say, uh, 25 bucks? Brent: Nice try. I talked to Lacey, she told me the whole deal. Hank: Did not. Brent: Did not so. Said she gave ya 200 bucks. Hank: One hundred. Brent: Sometimes it's too easy with you. Fitzy Fitzgerald: Wanda, there you are. I've been looking all over town for you. Wanda: This is the second place you looked, isn't it? Fitzy: Yeah. The, the town needs your judgment skills. Wanda: Oh, a legal matter, huh? Civil or criminal? Fitzy: Pie. Wanda: Sure. Can Fitzy get a piece of pie? Fitzy: No, no. No. It's a matter of pie. Emma: Did you get the raisins? Karen: Hi, Emma. Emma: How did you get in here? Karen: I figured if I knocked, you'd ask who it was and then when I said who it was you wouldn't let me in. Emma: Don't be silly. Karen: I get the feeling you're mad at me for something. Emma: Don't be foolish. Karen: I think I might have upset you somehow? Emma: Don't be a thieving, conniving wench. Karen: Pardon? Emma: I mean silly. Karen: What did I do? Emma: I leave town for a second and the next thing I know you're up to your elbows in Brent's hair. Karen: So? Emma: I've been cutting Brent's hair since he was a baby. You know, he's not even aware that it's something most people pay for. He thinks haircuts are just free like sunshine or junk mail. He thinks it just happens. Karen: Hmmm. That's so sweet. Emma: It's kinda weird, when you actually think about it. Karen: It's a little weird, yeah. Don't worry, Emma. I won't ever cut Brent's hair again. I'm just glad you've forgiven me. Emma: Get your hand off me, you backstabbing wench. It's gonna take a little time. Oscar: What the hell are you doin'? You can't just take my ride. Davis: I'm not taking your ride. I'm taking your keys. And you're not getting them back until you take the car in and get the muffler fixed. Oscar: What a rip! How can I take my car in when I don't have my keys? Davis: Fine. But you have one week to get that fixed. Otherwise I do take your keys and impound your ride. Oscar: When did you get to be so square? Davis: What? Oscar: Square, man, L-7. You used to be cool before you had that badge. Davis: I came here as a cop. You only knew me when I was a cop. Oscar: L-7, Daddy-o, L-7. Stranger: You wanna race? Brent: No. No, I didn't say I was faster, just said I looked faster, just the illusion of speed. Stranger: All right, then. Because I can run serious fast. Brent: That was more chilling than it needed to be. Lacey: I know what I'll do about the legal thing. Brent: Do you even listen to me? I think that guy was a navy SEAL or something. Lacey: Next time Hank comes in here for a sandwich or a cup of coffee, or anything, I am gonna have a little legal loophole for him to try and crawl out of. Now who's the dingle? Brent: What's a dingle? Lacey: I don't know, exactly. But, uh, this time it's not me. Karen: I don't want you to be mad at me anymore. Emma: Well, freaking me out isn't the way to do it. Karen: I was just thinking, I can't wear my hair down at work, so I need some new up-dos. I kinda only know two different ones. Emma: Really? Well, I know lots of up-dos. Come inside. This will be fun. Karen: Like a slumber party. Emma: Except you'll be gone in 20 minutes. Wanda: I don't know if this is the best forum for my keen legal mind. Fitzy: You can't have a pie contest without a judge. I mean, we tried last year. There was a fist fight. Ladies and Gentlemen, your judge for today's event, Wanda Dollard. Wanda: Thank you, Fitzy. Okay, so I have no idea who is entered into this contest, so if you're in it, just hop on up and start chowin' down. Fitzy: Chowing down? Wanda: Yeah. I'll make sure they eat all of one pie before movin' on to the next. None of this two bites of crust and you're done crap. Fitzy: It's not a pie eating contest, Wanda. Wanda: What? Fitzy: People bake pies, you judge them, the winner gets a blue ribbon. Wanda: And then what? We all go down to the soda shop and play with our hula-hoops? Fitzy: Just start tasting the pies. Wanda: I can't. I hate pie. Fitzy: You hate pie? Wanda: All pie, apple, cherry, shepherd, you name it. Francine (Woman in Crowd): How can somebody hate pie? Man in Crowd: It's just weird. Jane (Another Woman in Crowd): It's unnatural. Young Girl in Crowd: The pie woman's scaring me. Hank: Oh, two dollars. Why so cheap? Lacey: Look again, Hank. Hank: What? Two hundred dollars? How do you figure that? Lacey: Read the fine print on the menu, Smart Guy. Hank: "Price is subject to change without notice." What? Lacey: Nice and legal. Now who's the dingle? Yes! Hank: Can she do this? Brent: I don't know. I just came to see what a dingle was. Oscar: L-7. Mm-hmm? Davis: Oh, like a square. Square! Get that hole in your muffler fixed. Oscar: A porcupine died for that hole, Buddy Boy. Davis: Don't make this about the porcupine. What's the real reason? Oscar: I dig the sound. Davis: You "dig" it? Now who's L-7? You have one week. Oscar: Ya wanna know what they call coppers now? Brent: Yeah, you know I wouldn't be surprised if I was a little faster now. Not a lot, you know, but a bit, like less wind resistance. Mertyl Runciman (Driver): Keep the change. Brent: The hair can make a big difference, ya know? Karen: I think your Mom's still mad at me. Lacey: Okay, so just set the tables and chairs around back and then get to it. Hank: Can I at least finish my sandwich first? Between this and the coffee I'm out like 300 bucks. Lacey: Oh, Hank, you're getting mustard all over the deck. Wipe it up before it stains. Wanda: Legally speaking, that constitutes staining the deck. Technically, Hank, your work here is done. Lacey: Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup. How can you believe someone that doesn't even like pie? Hank: Oh, yeah, that's right. I heard about that. That's weird. Jake: Looks like Little Miss Wanda just lost some credibility. Wanda: You're gonna lose some teeth if you don't get outta here. Jake: Looks like it's time for Old Jake to move on. Category:Transcripts